Weights, Dates, and Drunk Tablemates - Why It's Cool to Have Selective Friendships

You don't wanna be this guy.  But it's ok to be this guy.

Recently, I came across a Facebook post inquiring about a workout partner.  These are actually pretty commonplace.  What jumped out to me was that they were looking for a partner at the gym i frequent.  This guy inquiring is about my age, and build.  We share very similar interests.  No brainer, right?  Well it would be, except for one thing:  he's a total jackass.  Now, in all fairness, it's been a bit over a year since I've seen the guy, so maybe some things have changed.  But I find that if you have to ask, you already know the answer in situations like this.

I met this guy, let's call him Ace (because Ace sounds like a name a guy like this would give himself).  Ace is about 26-27, and I met him through a lady friend of mine I go to happy hour with.  One weekend she has a BBQ at her place, and I make my way out there.  I know a few of the people there.  We talk, drink, generally have a good time.  So a few of the guys want to get together and play volleyball.  At this point, I'm full, a bit tipsy, and around 30lbs heavier than I am today, so I wasn't what you'd call fit.  Ace and I agree to be partners, and we get SLAUGHTERED in this volleyball game.  And the next game.  And the next. (In retrospect, maybe the guy just hated me because I stunk the court up.)  But everyone seems to have had a pretty good time.

We meet up again about a week later  for happy hour, and before we all get there, my lady friend lets me know Ace will need a ride home, and since I live pretty close to where he's staying, I have no problem with it.  Ace shows up to happy hour DRUNK.  It's like 6pm on a Friday, and he's already outta there.  Now, as someone who was a bit wild when I was younger, I've been this guy.  But never so early, and never around strangers.  So it's myself, lady friend, Ace and two of our guy friends.  Ace takes it upon himself to order everyone drinks, and keeps insisting "this round is on me."  Everyone is so put off by his abrasiveness, his volume, and his inability to construct a sentence, we all tell him "we're cool man, we'll get our own."  Won't take 'no' for an answer.  Refuses.  So the waitress comes over, and he tries to buy us all some drink we've never heard of.  Not 'it sounds super fancy' never heard of, more like 'them shits don't mix' never heard of.  She recognizes that he probably shouldn't be ordering drinks, so she gives us that look.  The universal look waitresses give when they want you to tame your drunk ass friend.  To boot, we all just kind of drank in silence, so as not to get him any more excited, kind of how you don't laugh at a toddler when they use curse words.

Now it's time to take Ace home.  We went to a bar close to everyone else.  Everyone else is 45 minutes away.  So we were going to get fairly familiar with one another along the way.  He starts talking to me about his clothing company, which actually seemed pretty cool.  He'd recently visited Oklahoma after the tornadoes ripped through there (to date the experience) and was offering hand to hand help, assisting in rebuilding efforts, all of that.  Real stand up work.  Showed pictures.  I didn't need to see the pictures.  The clothing line was faith based, but he wanted to make it clear that it wasn't some kind of corny deal.  His words.  Without totally bastardizing his message, I'd bet that somewhere along the line, he said "if your gonna say 'motherfucker', then say 'motherfucker' for Christ!"  It was something to that effect.  If he ever sees this, he can correct me.  Then the questions start rolling in.  At this point, Ace's seat is in a reclined position.

"How long have you had this car?"

"How often do you wash it?"

"When are you gonna stop and get gas?"

"Why does the engine sound like that?"

For 45 minutes.  We finally get close to our part of town, and he sits up to ask "hey, can you take me by the weed spot?"

At this point, I'm dead tired, and completely sober, but I'm fully aware this isn't a person I'm ever going to do anything for ever again.  Or so I think.  He goes in, comes out,  and thanks me repeatedly.  As I'm driving, he pulls out some cash, and sticks it in my middle console.  He tells me it's $20.  Because he says it was $20, I'm almost sure it's not.  Because when you say how much you're giving someone, not asking if it's enough, but SAYING what it is, it's probably a lie.  We finally get to his friend's place, he says thanks, and disappears into the doorway.  There were $6 in my middle console.

The last time I saw Ace was, again, at happy hour.  This time, we were meeting up before a comedy show a friend scored tickets to.  There were 7-8 of us, and we got there after work, about an hour before the show.  This time, in an effort to make up for our last meeting, Ace wanted to buy rounds.  I was to the point I didn't want to owe this guy anything, so I declined.  He was getting pretty friendly with a waitress there, to the point that they'd actually stayed with each other a few nights.  Somehow, he spots his ex girlfriend at the bar, announces it to the entire table, and proceeds to flirt/ play with the waitress every time she came around, while making eye contact with his ex.  At this point, the few there that hadn't met him were understanding my disdain.

So we get to the comedy club.  Like most places, there's a two drink minimum.  So we all order drinks, except for Ace, because naturally, his license had expired.  Chances are it was expired months ago, and that's why I had to give the guy a ride in the first place.  The waitress at the comedy club sees this, and says she can't get him drinks.  He's livid.  "That's clearly me there, and I'm not even driving! Can't you just be cool?"  Now everyone is just looking at him, wondering if he'll ever find any chill.  So, of course he asks me to order drinks for him, to which I say no a few times, but at this point, he's interrupting the show.  I agree, and get him two drink that night, which I'm pretty sure I paid for.  I haven't spoken to the guy since.

So as much as I'd like a new workout partner, I don't need the added weight of douche baggery (see what I did there?) on each set.  It would only be a matter of time before he wanted to order a few ladies protein shakes, home training sessions, and needing a ride because "those squats were killer bro, I can't even drive."

"I start my car... she calls me a nigger."

... you would've though he started a chainsaw for goodness sake!

First - (also, leading off with 'you people' really, really sours whatever point you want to make)

now, the video -

Nick Cannon, and why you shouldn't argue with your white friends about "Whiteface"

So This Happened:

Hes tries.  He really tries.

It reminded of the comedic genius that is Nick Cannon.  The Nick Cannon we quote, talk about around the water cooler, and pay our hard earned money to see.  Yeah, that Nick Cannon.  What appears to be an attempt at an April Fool's Day joke, becomes a lot of Nick Cannon's jokes - unfunny shit that makes you scratch your head.  But this time - he actually hit on a larger issue - how people feel about whiteface, how they compare it to blackface, and the place these things have in our world.

It was funny in 2004.

 "White Chicks" is a movie I saw on a few occasions.  it was the height of the Shawn and Marlon "baby Wayans'" movement.  Two bumbling alphabet men charged with the task of babysitter two paris/nicole-esque socialites have to impersonate them in order to crack a case.  With heavy makeup/ prostethic work, the two actually take of the guises of these two women, complete with "valley girl" vernacular and hijinx.  The first instance of Black men impersonating white women I can recall. the movie was a huge hit, to the tune of 113 million dollars, and was a welcome break in the endless stream on "scary movie" titles they'd created with brother Keenan.

To everyone born after 1990 - this was a thing.

 Recently, there have been lots of people appearing in varying degrees of "blackface", and some have been surprised at the backlash.  Here's the issue - it was done specifically to belittle a culture.  Point blank.  So it's never gonna be ok.  Why?  Because slavery.  Because Jim Crow.  Because civil rights.  You can't, as a person with a knowledge of history, make excuses for blackface.

CLEVER!

 Now whiteface?  That's different, and here's why.  In the context of an outrageous, fantasy film, whiteface was passable, and at times fun (when I was 18 - i wouldn't watch that silly shit now).  Dave Chapelle's White news anchor was universally loved, because of his scathing commentary on the black community from a privileged white perspective.  Like anything, it can be in bad taste, but if the argument is  "if white people can't do it, black people shouldn't" instead of "I'm offended by this", then it's not an argument, it's trying to downplay historical context.  Don't, don't DON'T talk to anyone over 30 about race, if your goal is to sway them about race, cuz it ain't gonna happen.  Opinions don't change after your 20's.  If you have any social media presence, and you were logged in anywhere during the George Zimmerman trial, chances are you saw your friends, that you've known for years and years, say some crazy shit you wren't prepared for.  And they didn't all of a sudden develop those feelings, it's whats been going on in their heads for as long as they can remember, and the best thing you can do is either agree to disagree, of find some new friends.

The funniest guy in the pic.

But if there's one thing you should all agree on, it's this - Nick Cannon sucks.