Lone Survivor - Who Will Win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Tournament?

Seth Rollins' leg essentially fell off (how he still slammed Kane is beyond me) so now WWE has booked a tournament to crown a new champion.  Here's why each participant will win (and lose) the tournament for the WWE World Heavyweight title.

Roman Reigns

"This one's for one and all, it's so good to feel all y'all..."

Why he'll win:  He's the chosen one

Why he'll lose:  This makes it look like he's the chosen one

Roman Reigns was on the fast track to superstardom... until folks realized it.  He's a product of being the "it" guy during the "yes" movement.  He's taken awhile to get his promos and in ring work to a point that the crowd doesn't try to derail him.  Has put on some really good matches, and you can't say enough about him and Brock at Wrestlemania earlier this year.  But you feel a reaction brewing:  "he only got the title because Rollins was hurt!" making him a kind of lame duck champ.  He may very well win, but for his sake, lets hope it's reserved for the Royal Rumble or Wrestlemania against an already established champion.


Big Show

hits everything but the right note

Why he'll win:  He's the largest athlete on the planet

Why he'll lose:  He hasn't been an athlete since 1998

Big Show's the definition of washed.  He's a good guy, works hard... his time has just passed.  He's against Roman in the first round to make Roman look strong.  Because picking up the Big Show is a big deal.  Or was... for Cena's first US title win in 2004.


Cesaro

When you should be world champion, but your boss thinks the world is Cali to NYC

Why he'll win:  He's probably the best athlete they have

Why he'll lose:  He's foreign, but NOT THAT FOREIGN

Cesaro is strong, explosive, captivates the crowd, keeps his nose clean... he's what you'd want in a champion.  Too bad for him he's Antonio Cesaro and not Anthony Cesar, from New York.  Vince McMahon isn't behind him, so no matter how good the matches are, he's pigeonholed.


Sheamus

"Listen Fella... I'm really, REALLY trying!"

Why he'll win:  He's got a title match in the pipeline

Why he'll lose:  He's got a title match in the pipeline

Bad haircut, bad gimmick, indifferent crowd aside... it defeats the purpose of having the MITB briefcase if he already has the title.  So nah.


Alberto Del Rio

What Graddad thought was coming when they called Riley the N word in school

Why he'll win: They've invested a ton of money into him

Why he'll lose: That was hush money, not "let's build" money

Del Rio returned to clean Cena the hell up so he could go on vacation.  He left because he had to slap the shit out of a staffer that said some slick race stuff to him.  But apparently the WWE folks talk so crazy, they gave Del Rio money to keep it on the hush.  It would just be too much too soon.  Unless it wasn't.  He's carried the title, and been a decent to good champion before, and his in ring stuff has only gotten better over time.  So... it's possible.


Stardust

How creeps asked "where my hug at?" in 1984

Why he'll win:  He's a supervillain

Why he'll lose:  He lost to a superhero, The Arrow, who didn't even use arrows to beat him

My man crush on Cody Rhodes has been over for a while.  Great talker, made to talk like a crazy person.  Great wrestler, made to wrestle in a crazy jumpsuit.  His time was 2013, and it's 2015.  So maybe one day... but not this day.  Or year.  damn.


Kalisto

Hidden character in 'MK X1 - Luchality'

Why he'll win:  He can fly

Why he'll lost:  He's a guy in a mask not named Oscar or Glenn.

Kalisto is gonna look really good getting tossed around by Ryback in this opening match.  That's all I got.


Ryback

"feed... me... to a bigger name!"

Why he'll win:  He's really strong

Why he'll lose:  Dassit

Ryback's injuries, and failure to catch on when he's not barking at the crowd, seem to have relegated him to the midcard permanently.  He's going to hit some strong power moves in this opening round, but i can't see him getting past Del Rio.


Titus O'Neil

".. we all know what it is."

Why he'll win:  He's worth million of dollars

Why he'll lose:  Those are Toys R' Us Geoffrey Dollars

Titus is probably the most authentic ambassador WWE has outside of Cena.  He's eager to talk to kids, teens, college athletes, and is a good spokesman for the joys of fatherhood.  You just wish he'd started in the ring ten years earlier.  He's in his late 30's still working out the kinks.  Maybe one day, but no time soon.


Kevin Owens

"you just gonna eat all the drums & leave me with the flats?"

Why he'll win:  He's the best healthy main roster performer

Why he'll lose:  He's too "healthy" for the body fetish front office

Owens could legit win this.  He's great in the ring, maybe better on the mic, and owns his character.  The only thing would be his physique, and if they'd go against the norm of the body builder look they typically require of their top top guys.  Honestly, I'd love to see him as champion.


Neville

"See him, over there?  he's got a better shot!"

Why he'll win:  He's the man that gravity forgot...

Why he'll lost:  ... but whoever hands out height did not

Talented, amazing to watch, great build... he's just not very tall.  Even smaller champions like HBK were tall enough to stand face to face with their challengers.  A culture change would give him more country, but not for the time being.


Wade Barrett

confidently walking to the midcard abyss

Why he'll win:  He's a damn king

Why he'll lose:  His kingdom is the pre-show

WADE BARRETT SHOULD HAVE BEATEN CENA AT TLC WAY BACK AND WHEN CENA DROPPED THOSE CHAIRS ON HIM IT WAS LIKE DROPPING ALL HIS DAMN HOPES AND DREAMS AND WHY AM I TYPING SO LOUD?


Dolph Ziggler

when you stay late and find out the next day they cut OT

Why he'll win:  He's great in the ring for years

Why he'll lose:  and it's gotten him 1.5 title reigns

It's just not in the cards man.  Truthfully, there's another guy in the same tourney he just started feuding with, and that's still got to play out.  So nah.


The Miz

"so... you're saying there's a chance"

Why he'll win:  Nah

Why he'll lost:  Because

The Miz has found a nice spot in WWE where he's playing himself, and gets to be on TV all the time.  We're just a long way from Wrestlemania 27.  So... yeah.


Dean Ambrose

the face of a man that... well, he looks unhappy

Why he'll win:  He's the top babyface not named Roman Reigns

Why he'll lose:  He's the top babyface not named Roman Reigns

The only way Dean gets the title is if he turns, or Roman turns.  While possible, Dean JUST gave Reigns his blessing to go after the title, and a change of heart this soon, even with the injury, seems crazy.  But... I'm not saying it won't happen.


Tyler Breeze

when you netflix and chill, by yourself, in public

Why he'll win:  He's the latest call up and that would be a way to put even more eyes on NXT

Why he'll lose:  It's the absolute longest possible shot ever.

I like the kid, his gimmick, his matches.  It would just devalue everyone else that's longer tenured, and in most cases, better in the ring and more over.



Who I think will win:  Kevin Owens

Who I want to win:  Cesaro

Who doesn't have a shot in hell:  Show, Sheamus, Stardust, Kalisto, Neville, Miz, Breeze

Pudding Pops, Pusha T and Paramount Pictures - Bill Cosby? Not your Father.

I went to a Hannibal Buress show earlier this year. I knew him as an SNL writer, and a supporting character on the show 'Broad City' I rave about. Buress is my kind of comedian - he's in the know.  Well read, but not removed from urban culture. In a crowd that mostly early 30's white men and women, I was one of the few reciting the Pusha T songs that played during the pre show. You can't control your audience, but you can control what you give them. In a post Dave Chappelle world, it was nice to have a comedian that operates in a space similar to mine.


The show was really, really good. He covered a wide range of topics - music, sex, race, violence, drugs... all the things we laugh about, cry about, and stay up at night contemplating. That, coupled with the fact that we brought in a few flasks, made for a fantastic experience. Months later, Buress did what lots of comedians do - he took a very real situation, deadpanned it, and waited for the crowd to react. Bill Cosby, famous TV dad, legendary comedian and crotchety old Black guy, spent YEARS stressing that, in many cases, we as young Black people were our own worst enemies. "pull up your pants, use your suffixes, turn your hat around" the whole nine. I've had this argument with parents, kids, teachers, hell, strangers, about the validity of such a statement. I could write an entire post on the intricacies of who's at fault there, but that's for another time. Before I talk about Bill Cosby being the scum of the earth, I want to explain to you my adoration of Bill Cosby. I'm a 28 year old Black Man from the east coast with a college degree. I fucking love Bill Cosby. I love Bill Cosby for the Huxtable family. This was a Black family of Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers, and dedicated students. They weren't "holier than thou" people. They made being educated seem NORMAL, like that's the way things were supposed to be. Even when light skinned Elvin decided showed up to lead Sondra astray, Elvin came from an educated family, so even if his common sense was gone, he had the tools to help people out in the world.

No funny quips here... except "jammin' on the one!"  Loved that.

Even heavier than that, 'A Different World' was, and still is, mandatory viewing for children Black, white, and in between. I've seen every single episode front to back, and they still hold up. I've never seen LIFE on screen the way Hillman was given to us. The place was alive, teeming with ideas, hunger, fear... it was what I wanted from adulthood before I even knew what adulthood was. Looking back on it as a person older than those characters now, you see the ignorance the apprehension, the desire for understanding. It was a look at life after high school, but before the world really begins, that hasn't been replicated since.

When being smart became being awesome!

So Bill Cosby, or Heathcliff Huxtable, or Debbie Allen, or Carmen Finestra, someone, was definitely a surrogate parent for me. But arrogant ass that I am, when people start talking crazy, I start separating the characters from the men behind them. BILL COSBY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF RAPE FIFTEEN TIMES MAN. Now, I knew that, Weez and Travis probably knew that (hey guys) I'm certain Miles knew that, and Bradford and Chad knew that, because they know everything. I'm at the barbershop Wednesday, like I typically am on Wednesdays, and we started talking Cosby after the story came across the HLN ticker. I'll tell you something about Black people, if you weren't aware - we are VERY SLOW to condemn our successful individuals. Because we claim them as our own successes, it's very hard for us to throw them away. I had a spirited discussion which ended with me being called a coon because I choose not to listen to Michael Jackson anymore. Without getting into too much detail, MJ's catalogue is great, and I'd never tell anyone else they shouldn't partake... but I'm cool over here. So the first reaction from a woman in the shop was "that's a shame, someone trying to get Bill Cosby." In a very even tone I responded "this is the 15th time he's been accused of rape or sexual abuse." The two barbers nodded their heads, and that was the extent of the conversation. You damn near have to kill a Black baby while entering a white woman to have the Black community turn against you!

How Black folks treat Black celebrities with "issues".

So understand my shift in feelings if you will - Bill Cosby, who told us to "act" a certain way for years and years, had access to channels other Black actors/ artists never did, because of the wholesome image he portrayed. Here's where it gets a little dark. How does a Black man, albeit a world renowned one, get accused of rape that many times, and most folks NEVER EVEN HEARD ABOUT IT?  Because that's an image organizations work hard to maintain, because they can make a fucking MINT off that image. There are people who do bad, bad things that you'll never know about, because they mean too much to someone in power for that information to be as widespread as it should.

Hold up... YOU want ME to pull up MY pants???

Who knows what'll happen from here - maybe Bill Cosby's life finishes out in prison, maybe he goes broke paying off lawsuits, maybe he "gets away with it" and spends his remaining days in a big house on a pile of money. Just be aware that the things we grew up on, the things that shaped us, were at least in part put out there to turn a profit. Don't let Bill Cosby ruin Heathcliff Huxtable. Or 'Ghost Dad'. That guy was a Saint.

HOW WAS THIS EVEN A THING?

Bonus - Me at the Hannibal Buress Show - Gibberish Rap x Ballerinas

Why 'Black Jesus' is Better than Wh... Why 'Black Jesus' is Good, and Good For You.

"Jesus was Black, Ronald Reagan was the Devil, and the government is lying about 9/11" - Huey Freeman, 'The Garden Party'

In 2012, I was living in South Austin with my girlfriend, a buddy of mine, and his girlfriend.  Things typically ran smooth - chores were done, the rent was on time, and we could agree on what to watch in the living room.  We went out together, ate together, had parties where we had over large, diverse groups.  It was what you want in your early-20's home life.

Black man in college.  To some, this may as well be a unicorn.

At least, this was the case for 3 of us.  I wouldn't call my roommate's girlfriend a bitch.  Because that's only one word, and I need sooooooo many more.  She wasn't sociable - she preferred to keep to herself, didn't really want to be included in plans, or conversation, or meals.  She was just kind of around.  Now, her circumstance, and her disposition weren't all her fault.  She was born in Mexico, and had only lived in the States for a few years.  From what I gathered, she wasn't very fond of people that weren't of Hispanic descent.  I've been accused of jumping to conclusions before, but I think I was fairly on the money here.

Like History?  Like Geography?  Well, ya see...

Once, we were all in the living room talking, and the subject of school came up.  My girlfriend is a few years younger than I am, and she was still finishing her undergrad.  We were all talking about classes we'd taken, and she asked "Cameron, you went to college?"  We all just kind of looked at each other.  I said "yeah, I graduated in 2008.  Why would you assume I didn't go to college?"  Her response was one of shock, and a little embarrassment. "Well, i knew she was in college, I just didn't know you had gone too."

"Our rent isn't cheap, and Ed and I are the only one's working.  What do you think I do when I leave here?"

"Well, I didn't think you worked at a gas station or anything..."

So that's how that living situation pretty much went.  I guess when you see Black people in life that aren't like the Black people you see on TV, it can be a bit of a shock.  So one day, I'm cruising YouTube, looking for 'The Boondocks' clips.  By this time, we'd all watched the first few seasons forwards, backwards, and any other type of way.  Well a search yielded something called 'Black Jesus' with show/strip creator Aaron McGruder's name attached.  What followed were some of the funniest skits I'd ever come across.  'Black Jesus' is a satirical play on the Bible's portrayal of the aforementioned character in the New Testament.  The "water into wine, hanging out with the dregs of society" Jesus people read about, but have trouble accepting, or emulating.  Black Jesus talks like he's from around the way.  He spends time with those that would seem to truly need his help.  He plans cookouts.  He provides liquor for parties.  He gets people out of jams that could lead to their undoing.  Crazy, right?

FINE GRAPES.

You can imagine how upset this made my roommate's girlfriend.  "This is offensive, and it's sacrilege!" she exclaimed as she left the room.  "I don't see how you can watch this!"  I tried to explain to her that if you pay attention, he's just doing the things Jesus was said to do, but in a different day, a different environment.  But what I've learned about religion - people cling to certain aspects, and totally ignore others (like living with your boyfriend when you aren't married, but getting mad at comedy skits).  Which isn't to say we don't all have some of that in us.  It's just that when you try to have a rational conversation about interpretation, someone has to pop off with their emotions about why you can't be right.

He's not finished with me yet.

Thank God he broke up with her.  She didn't get jokes.

Fast forward to 2014.  We were treated to a half baked, poorly produced, UNFUNNY fourth season of 'The Boondocks' that Aaron McGruder was not a part of.  Boy, did it show.  Even though his creation didn't hold up, he was able to secure a deal with Adult Swim to produce a full fledged "Black Jesus" sitcom.  People already want it gone.  That's understandable, as we can't even agree of what Jesus looks like, let alone how to show he was more than a man, but less than Superman.  Even in the trailer, it was made clear that there are characters that will doubt him being, well, the son of God, which is why saying IT'S JOKES FOLKS! will hopefully hold up against the blind rage of people that call anything they didn't come up with, or their parents didn't tell them, an abomination.

Not a stretch.  Not a stretch at all.

My suggestion?  Like any other TV show, give the thing a chance, and if it's not for you, be able to express why without sounding like an ex-girlfriend with no real life experience.  It's a big world out here people.  Have a look!

'Black Jesus' premieres tonight, 8/7/14, at 11pm ET on Adult Swim.

2014 NFL Mock Draft - Power Rangers Edition

With the NFL Draft looming, and teams hoping that adding a few pieces will help them find success, let's go the top ten of the first round using a group of young , athletic, hungry talents - The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

1)  The Houston Texas select... Jason Lee Scott, QB, Red Ranger

I know, I know, how could they pass on Tommy?  Here's how - this is a team that already has an established identity.  JJ Watt is the face of this franchise, and rightfully so.  He's menacing, he's athletic, he's charitable.  They don't need someone to step in and take charge of the team.  Ask any real Texans fan - they didn't want Matt Schaub to go out and throw for 600 yards a game - they wanted him to go out there, not mess up, and never be intimidated.  That's Jason.  Remember when he went to Goldar's dimension WITH NO MORPHER and fought dude for Tommy's candle?  Intangibles man.  The Texans need a guy that that knows where he fits in, and has no trouble deferring to teammates if need be.

2)  The St. Louis Rams select... Rocky Cardenas, WR, Red Ranger

When the Rams took Tavon Austin in the 1st Round last year, it was a no brainer.  Speed guy with great hands and the ability to make plays in space.  But without a strong compliment on the outside you limit what you can get out of your slot.  Rocky replaced Jason as the Red Ranger in Season 2, and while while a practitioner of martial arts, he was probably the most physically active outside of training, the kind or guy the Rams will need to spread the field.



3)  The Jacksonville Jaguars select... Thomas "Tommy" Oliver, QB, White Ranger

It's not always about "Best available", but for the Jaguars, it is.  Outside of Lil' Duval, nobody wants anything to do with this team.  We don't watch them on TV.  We don't go to their games.  Nike was probably able to come up with that awesomely terrible outfit because no one would care.  They need a face for that team, they need someone that will put butts in the seats, and will attract free agents.  They need the GOAT Power Ranger, Tommy Oliver.  Now, there are some risks here.  Very troubled past, to the point that he was started off vandalizing his rival school's property, getting into numerous altercations with them, most notably destroying their modes of transportation.  But he quickly matured, to the point that he was named team captain and starter within what seemed like months.  He had the complete trust of the coach, and managed to maintain his focus with plenty of outside distractions looming.  If the Jags hope to turn things around, he is the route they have to go.

4)  The Cleveland Browns select... Zack Taylor, QB, Black Ranger

The Browns take Zack over any Red Ranger from "Power Rangers in Space" on, because their offensive line is THE HOTTEST OF GARBAGE.  They'll need a guy to make plays with his feet till they find they put a solid group around him, and all of his "hip hop kido" training will be put to the test. His skill set diverse, his agility and speed are elite. The hardest thing will be avoiding turnovers.  He's shows a propensity to fumble (all those times he couldn't quite ask Angela out)  But when he's been asked to step up from his backup role, he's undefeated.  Not a single loss under his watch.


5)  The Oakland Raiders select... Trini Kwan, WR, Yellow Ranger

Big Target.  Good Hands.  No Ego.  The perfect fit for a team that really, really needs to find a new identity.  This isn't to say she doesn't have a mean streak - you don't get the nickname "sabre tooth tiger" for being a pushover.  For all the things Matt Schaub wasn't, he could get the ball to Andre Johnson and let him make plays.  This tandem should be no different.  She doesn't have the strongest release from the press, but her route running is unparalleled, drawing comparisons to a young Keyshawn Johnson. This is a can't miss prospect.

6)  The Atlanta Falcons select... Katherine "Kat" Hilliard, OLB, Pink Ranger

 
Kat's the pick here, because of her versatility.  Not a pure pass rusher, not strictly run stopper, she's a hybrid that could rush from the 4-3, or drop back in a 3-4 if necessary.  Just look at the tape: she has shown the ability to actually alter her anatomy to get behind the o-line and into the backfield.  Also, you want to see an open field tackle.  SHE CAPTURED THE FALCON ZORD.  Still undersized, and raw, she made the plays against the biggest opponents.  ATL has to go with "The Cat" here.


7)  The Tampa Bay Buccaneers select...  Aisha Campbell, OT, Yellow Ranger

She's selfless.  Isn't concerned with who gets the credit, totally focused on the team task.  Is a big fan of smaller creatures, a nurturer, a caretaker.  This is why Aisha is the first lineman taken in the draft.  She doesn't have to play dirty in order to get results.  Comes fro ma solid upbringing, so solid that a necklace her grandmother made for her fought off one of Rita's hate spells.  Mental toughness won't be an issue here.  Focus has been a bit of a concern, with questions about shopping sprees and interest in the music business being aspirations.  But, on the field, she's a rock, completely reliable and willing to contribute at any spot on the line. 

8)  The Minnesota Vikings select... Billy Cranston, QB, Blue Ranger

 
They tried Josh Freeman.  Big, physical Josh Freeman, and he washed out.  All the guys they went through, including Christian Ponder, were athletes of the highest regard.  Sometimes, you just need a guy would can line up, analyze the defense, sit in the pocket and get the ball out.  This is Cranston.  A quiet kid, but always in his playbook, always practicing, always finding new ways to improve.  He's the least physically gifted QB with a first round grade, but what he lacks in speed and strength, he makes up for with accuracy and attention to detail.  Not being a natural athlete wasn't a hindrance to him, as he steadily improved his physique and cardiovascular health over time.  He's Chad Pennington without the durability issues ( last original member to leave the team).  He'd be an extension of the coach on the field (he created the damn communicators) and would work tirelessly to improve from day one.

9)  The Buffalo Bills select... Adam Park, OT, Black Ranger

 
There's something to be said for consistency.  Adam was a Mighty Morphin, Zeo, Turbo, Space, and one-off Overdrive Ranger.  No matter who was in his backfield, he was able to protect and win with him.  This is who you think of when you use the term "stalwart".  He's the rock - he's steady, surefooted, and a winner.  This is a guy you want protecting a franchise quarterback like EJ Manuel, and opening up holes for CJ Spiller.  His Shaolin background speaks volumes about his feet and balance, and as a former victim and survivor of childhood bullying, this is the guy who's gonna keep your locker room honest.

10)  The Detroit Lions select... Kimberly Ann Hart

Range.  Can get to anywhere on the field in coverage.  Rangy.  She's also long, to where she doesn't always have to play through a receiver's body, but can get up there and fight for the rock.  Check the tape - not afraid of the opponent, regardless of a perceived size mismatch.  In a few years, just like on the show, teams are going to game plan around her.  She demands the attention of the quarterback ,so much so that our projected #3 pick's worst games were all against her.  Her amateur appearance in the Pan Global Games further solidifies the athlete you'll have as the last life of defense in your secondary.

The South Kongress "Donald Sterling Video Running Joke" Post

If you haven't seen this, watch it, like, now.  Everyone's going to be doing stories, articles, and speeches concerning this.   Brian, Quincy and myself will continually update this with thoughts until it get's old.  Also - this may never get old.

So... in 2014, old white guys are still legit afraid of their queens NEEDING that Black plug?  Just what adult films has this guy been watching? - Cam                      

looks like State Farm is pulling their team sponsorship. Others following suit. - Cam

now if... apparently he refuses to rent apartments to minorities.  like, wouldn't do it.  also, he's still married, and his wife has been trying to get the jumpoff outta here for awhile.  guess he should've listened? - Cam 

Here's a list of all of the LA Clippers' sponsors.  Let's see who all jumps ship. - Cam

CarMax, State Farm, and VIrgin America have all pulled their sponsorship of the Clippers. - Cam 

A fake deep rapper wrote a fake deep post for gawker.  People are upset, but not in the way he expected.  Also - it really sucked. - Cam 

Sprint pulled out too, knowingthat they need my $100 every month.  Can't risk a verizon exodus!!! - Cam 

The biggest scandal in all this is the NAACP once again demonstrating their incompetence by planning to give THIS man, Donald Sterling, a lifetime achievement award.  For what I wonder?  Blatant housing discrimination?  Saying Blacks and Mexicans stink and no one wants to live next to them?  This isn't the worst thing Sterling has ever done...not by a long shot.  Thanks NAACP! - B Ray 

  - Bomani Jones just always, always gets it. - Cam

So that's it for him... banned for life, max fine, "strongly encouraged" to sell team.  I pray for the first owner that is "unsure" about his daugther dating Black guys... - Cam

And BOY did everyone turn into Nat fucking Turner over the last few days!  Where were y'all when dude was paying his Black GM chump change, or denying residency to minorities?  But nah, I'm sleep over here. - Cam

Hannibal Buress - Gibberish Rap x Ballerinas

Writer/ Actor/Comedian Hannibal Buress was in Austin, TX last night as part of the Moontower Comedy Festival.  It was a really fun show from start to finish (in part because the other half smuggled in the disposable flasks) and the finish was... well take a look -

Struggle Shirt x Struggle Bra - a FaceBook Challenge

I put my friends to the task of using a comment to describe this picture.  Hilarity ensued.

Post by Cameron Hawkins.

click on "comment" to view all the awesome details.

Mimi's Adult Film, or That Time Y'all Pretended to Care about Other People's Kids.

(With my luck, this will be the one time my mother decides to read my blog.)

Mimi Faust, one of the major figures on VH1's "Love and Hip-Hop: Atlanta", recently released a preview to her Adult Film "Mimi & Nikko - Scandal in Atlanta (The Secret Sex Tape)".

Keep it 100 - This is the healthiest relationship he's ever had.

1)  If your "sex tape" has a computer generated title screen, it's not a sex tape.

2)  If your "sex tape"  has a preview build, it's not a sex tape.

3)  If your "sex tape"  has a "Vivid" logo in the bottom right (southeast for the nerds) corner,  IT'S NOT A SEX TAPE.

If only all the blac... nvm.

 Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about the internet's most prevalent reaction to the 45 second clip of Mimi and her costar Nikko (on screen love interest and alleged producer) going at it.  People are legit outraged that she would make an adult film, because "what kind of example would that set for her daughter?"  That's a load of crap if I've ever heard it, and here's why - the same people that are upset over her making a porno are the same people that watch her damn reality show!

If you haven't seen "Love and Hip-Hop", here's a very quick analysis.  Mimi has a child with Stevie J, former bad boy producer and public womanizer.  He has a relationship with his grossly untalented protege Joseline, and parades her around very publicly in front of Mimi, who he still pursues.  They've been on again, off again for over a decade because of his cheating ways, but she refuses to make a break, even going so far as to agree to a living situation with the both of them.  For the.. ahem... sake of her daughter.  The crux of the show is her yelling, and at times battering Stevie, while also placing misplaced anger toward Joseline, who owes her nothing.

Yup - this relationship was a GREAT example for the youth.

So people take issue with her having sex on camera for profit, but don't have the same issue with her being abusive and violent towards her daughter's father, and other women as well?  Hypothetical question - what would you rather explain to your child:  Why there's a video of you having sex on camera, or why for the entirety of your child's life you let her father take advantage of you physically and emotionally?  If you judge her actions on the standards of recurring problems against a single incident, it's really no contest!  But well, we also live in a society where a penis in a movie is considered more detrimental than a sword, gun, rocket launcher, lightsaber, and giant lizard monster, but I'm just talking here.

I know some of you ladies' history - if your daughters still love y'all, Mimi's gonna be good.

I'm not saying that performing in Adult Films is an ideal life choice for a mother, but it's certainly not the worst life decision she's made.  Probably not top 5.  So everyone that stepped in yesterday and played Auntie or Uncle, have fun watching her set an even worse example next season - but with her clothes on so you can qualify it.

P.S. - To each and every woman that saw that clip and said "she's not even doing anything special" you are either a liar, or making some young man very, very happy.  And asking if "Yeezy taught you." 

The Boondocks - Season 4 (Trailer #2)

It's almost that time again!

Refinancing, heaxuin, and... STINKMEANER BYKE???



The Boondocks returns for it's 4th season Monday, April 21st on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

Wat Dat Mouf Do - Lil Duval x Trae Tha Truth

It's the question on everyone's mind - now it has video treatment.

For when it's kinda cold outside.

 The song can be purchased here and "Wat Dat Mouf Do?" apparel can be purchased here.

It was "groupme" storytime, and this gem was released.

(Note - More than minimal savagery was expressed here.  Dictated, and not written.)

Let's see, the year was 2007.  Her name was (name redacted) and she attend (school name redacted) In Jackson TN. Meet her at the local white college bar. She slid me her number on a cocktail napkin cause her buddies were looking at her funny for chattin with me. Molly isn't living on campus cause she has a house. So she invites me over after a few sushi dates. I smash and dash. But one weekend she ask me to stay for the weekend. I agreed.
Get there Friday night and stay till Sunday. Woke up Sunday she cooked breakfast butt naked. Afterwards I'm getting head on the couch, I hear some key shingle in the door. She immediately knows it's her dad. I couldn't move fast enough. Then I thought why am I running, we ain't in high school anymore. I grab my shorts and right when they get pulled over my erection her dad pops in the living room.
"SO THIS IS WHY IM PAYING FOR A HOUSE FOR YOU TO FUCK BLACK BOYS" Then looks at me and goes " you've fucked with the wrong one nigger" then leaves to go to his truck. She gives me this stare like you prolley gonna die. I grab my shit and hop the gate. I'm on the side of the house waiting for the clear, this dude pulls a fucking 12 gauge from his truck and goes back in the house. As soon as he enters I get to my car and drive off. Bitch text me a couple days later saying sorry. So I later find out that her dad was the Fucking GM of (company name redacted) from Memphis to Nashville. And that this wasn't her 1st run in with a negro. Abortion in high school. Negro baby daddy.
That's the only time I think I said I'm leaving these white hoes alone.

You Should be Watching Broad City.

Tell a friend to tell a friend.

Two women stand outside of a New York basketball park watching men play a pickup game.  They talk to each other in short bursts, shouting out numbers for each man the camera focuses on.  Allow me to HEAVILY paraphrase the conversation.  “oh ,that guys a 5.”  “him over there, I’d say a 10.”  “10? Him?”  “yeah, he’s AT LEAST TEN INCHES.”  “what, we’re measuring dick size?” “yeah, what else would we be talking about?”

The Missy "Rain" Suit meets that Drake song I never really heard.

 This is the charm of “Broad City”, which I’ve described to people as “’Workaholics’ meets a show where people actually have sex” to anyone who would listen.  It follow two 20 something women through New York City as they engage in work, parties, errands and shenanigans, with their success rate for each activity usually being on the minus side.  They want to be lazy and successful all at once, and do everything they can to get in the way of their own achievements.

EpiPen Hulk.

Originally created as a series of webisodes, the show debuted on the bottom of the hour after workaholics, and stuck a similar chord with me, the kind of aimless wandering/ self importance/ irrational confidence that is your 20’s.  The series opens with the principles, Abbi and Illana, skyping via laptop.  What Abbi doesn’t realize is that Illana is going full cowgirl on her sometimes boyfriend (they’re talking, and it’s understood they aren’t exclusive) while playing Lil’ Wayne’s “A Milli” on her laptop.  Illana’s free spirit juxtaposed with Abbi’s constant worrying creates most of the show’s good moments, even though Abbi tends to loosen up every now and again, usually to her own detriment.

Hannibal Burress - Skype GAWD.

 The season finale that recently aired is a celebration of Abbi’s birthday.  She pulls out the one nice dress she owns, and Illana wears a revealing halter top/ skirt combo to the fanciest restaurant they can think of.  They request the table they heard Jay and Beyonce sat at on a previous night, Illana forces her own shellfish allergy to surface, and Abby accidentally stabs herself with Illana’s EpiPen, invoking superhuman reflexes.  All while the other patrons watch in shock.  Also, Abbi pees out a condom.  That’s been inside of her for FOUR days.  Laughs all around.

They woke up like this.

 They have sex, to varying degrees of success, they sit in the park and smoke weed, and where Abbi struggles with relationships, Illana seems to have a never ending string of successful hookups.  But the payoff to the show is that the defeats are funny, and even the victories are small, few and far between.  Although a bit fantastic, Broad City is a fresh take on the comedy genre, and is a great companion to the stoner/slacker romp that is “Workaholics”. 

"Broad City" airs Wednesdays at 10:30/9:30 CT on Comedy Central.