Just (Gorilla) Press Play - South Kongress Wrestlemania 31 Preview (Part 1)

Time to play button the game

It's been awhile, but now seems like a fitting time to pick the keys back up and do a little writing.  It's just after SXSW, and days before the Texas Relays, so that means... to quote a certain wife of a certain video game music producer... it's WRESTLEMANIA!  This year's a bit different, as it's the first time we won't be attending the live event in a few years.  But, this gives me a better opportunity to watch this like I watch the rest of the shows.  I tend to get a bit lost, being around all those people, taking in all the different sights and sounds, so this year will feel a bit closer to home.  So, after all this prefacing, let's cover the card match by match, and try to get a feel for the winners, losers, and happenings of this year's event.

Hardest gang in Cana- I mean Swi- nvm.  These guys can go.

Fatal 4 Way for the WWE Tag Team Titles - New Day (Big E/ Kofi Kingston) v. Los Matadores v. The Usos v. Cesaro/Kidd (c) 

If nothing else, this is a great way to put some energy and athleticism into a show that, on the surface, seems to lack it.  All four of these teams are athletic, with the champs and New Day both having a nice mix of speed and power.  As competitors, I'm a fan of all four teams, even though I dislike the Los Matadores gimmick, and LOATHE the New Day gimmick (side note:  white folks chant "new day" ironically.... it's that bad) to the point that I can't actually CHEER the guys on.  The Usos are, to me, the "it" team right now.  The can move, their offense is believable, and they seem to really shine in pay-per-view matches.  I'd much prefer a standard tag match between them and the champs.  Tyson Kidd should be applauded for accepting a long term demotion to NXT, making guys look great, and making the most of his return to the main roster.  I hate seeing Cesaro slotted as anything other than a top tier singles guy,  but he's held his own as what I'd call the complimentary piece of that team.  I'm picking the champs to retain in a very fast paced, hard hitting match.  Winners - Cesaro/Kidd

"Just wait on it!" - Migos

Randy Orton v. Seth Rollins 

Seth Rollins is making the most of his opportunity as a major player in WWE.  Cliche as it sounds, I think it's the biggest compliment you can bestow on a guy.  He went from (by design) the third wheel in the hottest act in wrestling, to the top in ring heel in wresting almost seamlessly.  What more impressive is that he did this during the transition to long, drawn out promos that people would groan at in chat rooms and Facebook groups.  He was an indy darling, a minor league all star, and is now in position to have a major role in the world's largest wrestling promotion for years to come.  He put on size, adapted to WWE's in ring style, but kept enough on his athleticism to still stand out.  You believe he's a snake, but that if need be, he can hit you in the mouth hard enough to make it count.  Plus, a Jon Stewart co-sign doesn't hurt.  In many ways, he's what Randy Orton SHOULD be.  That's not to say Orton is bad by any stretch.  But I don't look at this match as Orton being the big star Rollins gets to test himself against.  This is the Rollins show, and he's almost at that level where, win or lose, he's going to come out looking stronger than before.  These two are so good in the ring, you know you'll see magic happen, hopefully it isn't lost in the shuffle of all the higher profile matches.  Going into a Mania match with the MITB briefcase, and the uncertainty in the main event (we'll get there) I see Rollins losing clean to a kind of returning conqueror Orton.  Winner - Randy Orton

Not a big fan... but them jerseys though...

AJ Lee/ Paige v. The Bellas 

I don't watch 'Total Divas'.  I watch PLENTY of terrible "unscripted" things, but that isn't one of them.  But I can say this - as the Bellas have gotten more famous, they've gotten SO MUCH BETTER in the ring.  Whether it's the new found attention, or the pressure of the NXT Women breathing down their necks, they've taken their craft way more seriously than before.  AJ and Paige?  You don't have to question their skill set at all.  With the show being as long as it is, you hope they get enough time to really go out and show what they can do.  AJ  jumped on twitter and told her bosses the truth about the world, and in my experience, that very rarely produces the desired results, so it's tough to pick her team to win.  However, eventually the Bellas have to lose, right?  They always seem to come out on top if for no other reason than to be more annoying the next go round.  So perhaps, to show there's no hard feelings (yeah right) the better team gets the nod.  Winners - AJ Lee/Paige

Andre hovering over MAD create-a-players

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

Cesaro won last year, and he's on the pre-show this year.  This won't get many words from me.  I hope Mark Henry eliminates a bunch of guys, Axel does something hilarious,  and the guy I'm picking to win has a good year after he wins.  Winner - Damien Sandow (Mizdow)

My finger being the 1, to signal the 1, in 21-1

Bray Wyatt v. The Undertaker 

I was in the building when Taker lost his first Wrestlemania match.  It was the largest crowd of silent people this side of Mecca.  I was pretty sure it was the very last time we'd be seeing the Undertaker in a WWE ring, and I was fine with the send off.  Now, he's back.  It all just seems so forced.  I dig Bryatt Wyatt as a character, as an athlete, as a performer.  He moves great for his size, has a great look, and just seems like he could mess you up if need be.  It's certainly a natural fit for the psychedelic cult preacher to want to take down the local immortal Specter.  It's just about a year too late.  There's really no reason to have the Undertaker lose this match, as starting a negative streak for a guy that is a special attraction lessens the special.  And Bray can talk that hot shit the very next day and have his mojo back.  Have to go with the Dead Man here.  Winner - The Undertaker 

Come back Friday, 3/27, for my picks in the IC Title Ladder Match, US Title Match, Icon vs. That One Guy Match, and the WWE World Heavyweight Title Match!

Pudding Pops, Pusha T and Paramount Pictures - Bill Cosby? Not your Father.

I went to a Hannibal Buress show earlier this year. I knew him as an SNL writer, and a supporting character on the show 'Broad City' I rave about. Buress is my kind of comedian - he's in the know.  Well read, but not removed from urban culture. In a crowd that mostly early 30's white men and women, I was one of the few reciting the Pusha T songs that played during the pre show. You can't control your audience, but you can control what you give them. In a post Dave Chappelle world, it was nice to have a comedian that operates in a space similar to mine.


The show was really, really good. He covered a wide range of topics - music, sex, race, violence, drugs... all the things we laugh about, cry about, and stay up at night contemplating. That, coupled with the fact that we brought in a few flasks, made for a fantastic experience. Months later, Buress did what lots of comedians do - he took a very real situation, deadpanned it, and waited for the crowd to react. Bill Cosby, famous TV dad, legendary comedian and crotchety old Black guy, spent YEARS stressing that, in many cases, we as young Black people were our own worst enemies. "pull up your pants, use your suffixes, turn your hat around" the whole nine. I've had this argument with parents, kids, teachers, hell, strangers, about the validity of such a statement. I could write an entire post on the intricacies of who's at fault there, but that's for another time. Before I talk about Bill Cosby being the scum of the earth, I want to explain to you my adoration of Bill Cosby. I'm a 28 year old Black Man from the east coast with a college degree. I fucking love Bill Cosby. I love Bill Cosby for the Huxtable family. This was a Black family of Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers, and dedicated students. They weren't "holier than thou" people. They made being educated seem NORMAL, like that's the way things were supposed to be. Even when light skinned Elvin decided showed up to lead Sondra astray, Elvin came from an educated family, so even if his common sense was gone, he had the tools to help people out in the world.

No funny quips here... except "jammin' on the one!"  Loved that.

Even heavier than that, 'A Different World' was, and still is, mandatory viewing for children Black, white, and in between. I've seen every single episode front to back, and they still hold up. I've never seen LIFE on screen the way Hillman was given to us. The place was alive, teeming with ideas, hunger, fear... it was what I wanted from adulthood before I even knew what adulthood was. Looking back on it as a person older than those characters now, you see the ignorance the apprehension, the desire for understanding. It was a look at life after high school, but before the world really begins, that hasn't been replicated since.

When being smart became being awesome!

So Bill Cosby, or Heathcliff Huxtable, or Debbie Allen, or Carmen Finestra, someone, was definitely a surrogate parent for me. But arrogant ass that I am, when people start talking crazy, I start separating the characters from the men behind them. BILL COSBY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF RAPE FIFTEEN TIMES MAN. Now, I knew that, Weez and Travis probably knew that (hey guys) I'm certain Miles knew that, and Bradford and Chad knew that, because they know everything. I'm at the barbershop Wednesday, like I typically am on Wednesdays, and we started talking Cosby after the story came across the HLN ticker. I'll tell you something about Black people, if you weren't aware - we are VERY SLOW to condemn our successful individuals. Because we claim them as our own successes, it's very hard for us to throw them away. I had a spirited discussion which ended with me being called a coon because I choose not to listen to Michael Jackson anymore. Without getting into too much detail, MJ's catalogue is great, and I'd never tell anyone else they shouldn't partake... but I'm cool over here. So the first reaction from a woman in the shop was "that's a shame, someone trying to get Bill Cosby." In a very even tone I responded "this is the 15th time he's been accused of rape or sexual abuse." The two barbers nodded their heads, and that was the extent of the conversation. You damn near have to kill a Black baby while entering a white woman to have the Black community turn against you!

How Black folks treat Black celebrities with "issues".

So understand my shift in feelings if you will - Bill Cosby, who told us to "act" a certain way for years and years, had access to channels other Black actors/ artists never did, because of the wholesome image he portrayed. Here's where it gets a little dark. How does a Black man, albeit a world renowned one, get accused of rape that many times, and most folks NEVER EVEN HEARD ABOUT IT?  Because that's an image organizations work hard to maintain, because they can make a fucking MINT off that image. There are people who do bad, bad things that you'll never know about, because they mean too much to someone in power for that information to be as widespread as it should.

Hold up... YOU want ME to pull up MY pants???

Who knows what'll happen from here - maybe Bill Cosby's life finishes out in prison, maybe he goes broke paying off lawsuits, maybe he "gets away with it" and spends his remaining days in a big house on a pile of money. Just be aware that the things we grew up on, the things that shaped us, were at least in part put out there to turn a profit. Don't let Bill Cosby ruin Heathcliff Huxtable. Or 'Ghost Dad'. That guy was a Saint.

HOW WAS THIS EVEN A THING?

Bonus - Me at the Hannibal Buress Show - Gibberish Rap x Ballerinas

Avengers: Age of Ulton (leaked trailer)

WATCH WHILE YOU CAN!!!!



ap_tlr-1_int_360p by scotty2cky

Weights, Dates, and Drunk Tablemates - Why It's Cool to Have Selective Friendships

You don't wanna be this guy.  But it's ok to be this guy.

Recently, I came across a Facebook post inquiring about a workout partner.  These are actually pretty commonplace.  What jumped out to me was that they were looking for a partner at the gym i frequent.  This guy inquiring is about my age, and build.  We share very similar interests.  No brainer, right?  Well it would be, except for one thing:  he's a total jackass.  Now, in all fairness, it's been a bit over a year since I've seen the guy, so maybe some things have changed.  But I find that if you have to ask, you already know the answer in situations like this.

I met this guy, let's call him Ace (because Ace sounds like a name a guy like this would give himself).  Ace is about 26-27, and I met him through a lady friend of mine I go to happy hour with.  One weekend she has a BBQ at her place, and I make my way out there.  I know a few of the people there.  We talk, drink, generally have a good time.  So a few of the guys want to get together and play volleyball.  At this point, I'm full, a bit tipsy, and around 30lbs heavier than I am today, so I wasn't what you'd call fit.  Ace and I agree to be partners, and we get SLAUGHTERED in this volleyball game.  And the next game.  And the next. (In retrospect, maybe the guy just hated me because I stunk the court up.)  But everyone seems to have had a pretty good time.

We meet up again about a week later  for happy hour, and before we all get there, my lady friend lets me know Ace will need a ride home, and since I live pretty close to where he's staying, I have no problem with it.  Ace shows up to happy hour DRUNK.  It's like 6pm on a Friday, and he's already outta there.  Now, as someone who was a bit wild when I was younger, I've been this guy.  But never so early, and never around strangers.  So it's myself, lady friend, Ace and two of our guy friends.  Ace takes it upon himself to order everyone drinks, and keeps insisting "this round is on me."  Everyone is so put off by his abrasiveness, his volume, and his inability to construct a sentence, we all tell him "we're cool man, we'll get our own."  Won't take 'no' for an answer.  Refuses.  So the waitress comes over, and he tries to buy us all some drink we've never heard of.  Not 'it sounds super fancy' never heard of, more like 'them shits don't mix' never heard of.  She recognizes that he probably shouldn't be ordering drinks, so she gives us that look.  The universal look waitresses give when they want you to tame your drunk ass friend.  To boot, we all just kind of drank in silence, so as not to get him any more excited, kind of how you don't laugh at a toddler when they use curse words.

Now it's time to take Ace home.  We went to a bar close to everyone else.  Everyone else is 45 minutes away.  So we were going to get fairly familiar with one another along the way.  He starts talking to me about his clothing company, which actually seemed pretty cool.  He'd recently visited Oklahoma after the tornadoes ripped through there (to date the experience) and was offering hand to hand help, assisting in rebuilding efforts, all of that.  Real stand up work.  Showed pictures.  I didn't need to see the pictures.  The clothing line was faith based, but he wanted to make it clear that it wasn't some kind of corny deal.  His words.  Without totally bastardizing his message, I'd bet that somewhere along the line, he said "if your gonna say 'motherfucker', then say 'motherfucker' for Christ!"  It was something to that effect.  If he ever sees this, he can correct me.  Then the questions start rolling in.  At this point, Ace's seat is in a reclined position.

"How long have you had this car?"

"How often do you wash it?"

"When are you gonna stop and get gas?"

"Why does the engine sound like that?"

For 45 minutes.  We finally get close to our part of town, and he sits up to ask "hey, can you take me by the weed spot?"

At this point, I'm dead tired, and completely sober, but I'm fully aware this isn't a person I'm ever going to do anything for ever again.  Or so I think.  He goes in, comes out,  and thanks me repeatedly.  As I'm driving, he pulls out some cash, and sticks it in my middle console.  He tells me it's $20.  Because he says it was $20, I'm almost sure it's not.  Because when you say how much you're giving someone, not asking if it's enough, but SAYING what it is, it's probably a lie.  We finally get to his friend's place, he says thanks, and disappears into the doorway.  There were $6 in my middle console.

The last time I saw Ace was, again, at happy hour.  This time, we were meeting up before a comedy show a friend scored tickets to.  There were 7-8 of us, and we got there after work, about an hour before the show.  This time, in an effort to make up for our last meeting, Ace wanted to buy rounds.  I was to the point I didn't want to owe this guy anything, so I declined.  He was getting pretty friendly with a waitress there, to the point that they'd actually stayed with each other a few nights.  Somehow, he spots his ex girlfriend at the bar, announces it to the entire table, and proceeds to flirt/ play with the waitress every time she came around, while making eye contact with his ex.  At this point, the few there that hadn't met him were understanding my disdain.

So we get to the comedy club.  Like most places, there's a two drink minimum.  So we all order drinks, except for Ace, because naturally, his license had expired.  Chances are it was expired months ago, and that's why I had to give the guy a ride in the first place.  The waitress at the comedy club sees this, and says she can't get him drinks.  He's livid.  "That's clearly me there, and I'm not even driving! Can't you just be cool?"  Now everyone is just looking at him, wondering if he'll ever find any chill.  So, of course he asks me to order drinks for him, to which I say no a few times, but at this point, he's interrupting the show.  I agree, and get him two drink that night, which I'm pretty sure I paid for.  I haven't spoken to the guy since.

So as much as I'd like a new workout partner, I don't need the added weight of douche baggery (see what I did there?) on each set.  It would only be a matter of time before he wanted to order a few ladies protein shakes, home training sessions, and needing a ride because "those squats were killer bro, I can't even drive."

ACL Festival, Day #1 - Videos

Here are some clips of the OutKast performance at ACL. (the photos from my day at the festival can be seen here.)

Andre 3000 - Hey Ya


 
Big Boi - Kryptonite (I'm On It)



OutKast - Ms. Jackson



OutKast - International Player's Anthem

ACL Festival, Day #1 - Pictures

For all my non facebook using friends (Josh) you're welcome!

Here are some of the sights and sounds from Day 1 of the Austin City Limits Music Festival, headlined by my favorite group ever, OUTKAST!

ALL MINE!

People that are always on their phone... that's not a good look!

Why's she take this?  I'll never know.

They were showing the ALDS in a pavillion. so.... we took a break.

So much happening here.

It is I, the B-I-G the B-O-I!

Dre's jumpsuit tonight read "Drake Love Live War".  FLAMES.

Best group since ever.  EVER EVER.

Guest Blog - The Resume Test

The Resume Test

(as a kind of sister post, let's not forget about this gem - An 87 Point Manifesto on what (name redacted) is Looking For in a Man)

Dating can be a strenuous affair, and is an endeavor that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  However, in our attempts to find our optimum partner, there is a tendency to veer towards the lane of the absurd.  We all possess a friend that has a list of needs/desires for their prospective partners longer than the terms of agreements of Xbox Live.  Perfect height, weight, credit score, career, bone structure, educational status, family background, dieting habits, etc.  Of course the defense mechanism is that standards must be met when making such an important decision, and that settling for a partner is akin to short changing your own worth.  Fair enough, so long as people are reasonable in their terms.  Problems arise due to the fact that reason, love & ego form a triangle of discord when it comes to our dating desires.  In an attempt to lead individuals towards the proper path, I tell them to apply to resume test.

The test is simple - think of all the qualities that are important aspects of your life.  It can be physical attributes, job status, education, personality traits, credit score….anything that you feel defines your persona.  Make a mental resume, listing all of these traits.  Now imagine meeting a prospective partner with this resume.  If they approached you, would you give them the time of day?  Would their qualifications fit your needs and desires?  Or would you push them to the “non-qualified/don’t respond” folder in an attempt to find a better prospect.  Think about how you answer that the next time you present your list of demands.  We all want to capture our dream partner, but we have to be realistic in our desires and our ability to to attract and ensnare that premium prospect.  Fellas - there’s nothing wrong with wanting a woman with the physique of a video model, the cooking skills of a house slave, the education of a scholar, and the temperament of your Madden partner.  But you have to bring enough to the table to give that angel a reason to descend from the heavens.  For the lady desiring the Essence model home owner with the multiple degrees, premium credit score, high income career and porn star sexual skills, you have to look in the mirror and determine how you would stand above a sea of competition to snatch Mr. Wonderful.  Not saying its impossible, but it takes a plethora of skill to get a Mercedes Benz with Kia credit - more skill than most individuals possess.  How we present and view ourselves is paramount to what we can accomplish in our lives.  So before you dive in the dating pool, make sure you wear your no fronting life vest.