Avengers: Age of Ulton (leaked trailer)

WATCH WHILE YOU CAN!!!!



ap_tlr-1_int_360p by scotty2cky

Weights, Dates, and Drunk Tablemates - Why It's Cool to Have Selective Friendships

You don't wanna be this guy.  But it's ok to be this guy.

Recently, I came across a Facebook post inquiring about a workout partner.  These are actually pretty commonplace.  What jumped out to me was that they were looking for a partner at the gym i frequent.  This guy inquiring is about my age, and build.  We share very similar interests.  No brainer, right?  Well it would be, except for one thing:  he's a total jackass.  Now, in all fairness, it's been a bit over a year since I've seen the guy, so maybe some things have changed.  But I find that if you have to ask, you already know the answer in situations like this.

I met this guy, let's call him Ace (because Ace sounds like a name a guy like this would give himself).  Ace is about 26-27, and I met him through a lady friend of mine I go to happy hour with.  One weekend she has a BBQ at her place, and I make my way out there.  I know a few of the people there.  We talk, drink, generally have a good time.  So a few of the guys want to get together and play volleyball.  At this point, I'm full, a bit tipsy, and around 30lbs heavier than I am today, so I wasn't what you'd call fit.  Ace and I agree to be partners, and we get SLAUGHTERED in this volleyball game.  And the next game.  And the next. (In retrospect, maybe the guy just hated me because I stunk the court up.)  But everyone seems to have had a pretty good time.

We meet up again about a week later  for happy hour, and before we all get there, my lady friend lets me know Ace will need a ride home, and since I live pretty close to where he's staying, I have no problem with it.  Ace shows up to happy hour DRUNK.  It's like 6pm on a Friday, and he's already outta there.  Now, as someone who was a bit wild when I was younger, I've been this guy.  But never so early, and never around strangers.  So it's myself, lady friend, Ace and two of our guy friends.  Ace takes it upon himself to order everyone drinks, and keeps insisting "this round is on me."  Everyone is so put off by his abrasiveness, his volume, and his inability to construct a sentence, we all tell him "we're cool man, we'll get our own."  Won't take 'no' for an answer.  Refuses.  So the waitress comes over, and he tries to buy us all some drink we've never heard of.  Not 'it sounds super fancy' never heard of, more like 'them shits don't mix' never heard of.  She recognizes that he probably shouldn't be ordering drinks, so she gives us that look.  The universal look waitresses give when they want you to tame your drunk ass friend.  To boot, we all just kind of drank in silence, so as not to get him any more excited, kind of how you don't laugh at a toddler when they use curse words.

Now it's time to take Ace home.  We went to a bar close to everyone else.  Everyone else is 45 minutes away.  So we were going to get fairly familiar with one another along the way.  He starts talking to me about his clothing company, which actually seemed pretty cool.  He'd recently visited Oklahoma after the tornadoes ripped through there (to date the experience) and was offering hand to hand help, assisting in rebuilding efforts, all of that.  Real stand up work.  Showed pictures.  I didn't need to see the pictures.  The clothing line was faith based, but he wanted to make it clear that it wasn't some kind of corny deal.  His words.  Without totally bastardizing his message, I'd bet that somewhere along the line, he said "if your gonna say 'motherfucker', then say 'motherfucker' for Christ!"  It was something to that effect.  If he ever sees this, he can correct me.  Then the questions start rolling in.  At this point, Ace's seat is in a reclined position.

"How long have you had this car?"

"How often do you wash it?"

"When are you gonna stop and get gas?"

"Why does the engine sound like that?"

For 45 minutes.  We finally get close to our part of town, and he sits up to ask "hey, can you take me by the weed spot?"

At this point, I'm dead tired, and completely sober, but I'm fully aware this isn't a person I'm ever going to do anything for ever again.  Or so I think.  He goes in, comes out,  and thanks me repeatedly.  As I'm driving, he pulls out some cash, and sticks it in my middle console.  He tells me it's $20.  Because he says it was $20, I'm almost sure it's not.  Because when you say how much you're giving someone, not asking if it's enough, but SAYING what it is, it's probably a lie.  We finally get to his friend's place, he says thanks, and disappears into the doorway.  There were $6 in my middle console.

The last time I saw Ace was, again, at happy hour.  This time, we were meeting up before a comedy show a friend scored tickets to.  There were 7-8 of us, and we got there after work, about an hour before the show.  This time, in an effort to make up for our last meeting, Ace wanted to buy rounds.  I was to the point I didn't want to owe this guy anything, so I declined.  He was getting pretty friendly with a waitress there, to the point that they'd actually stayed with each other a few nights.  Somehow, he spots his ex girlfriend at the bar, announces it to the entire table, and proceeds to flirt/ play with the waitress every time she came around, while making eye contact with his ex.  At this point, the few there that hadn't met him were understanding my disdain.

So we get to the comedy club.  Like most places, there's a two drink minimum.  So we all order drinks, except for Ace, because naturally, his license had expired.  Chances are it was expired months ago, and that's why I had to give the guy a ride in the first place.  The waitress at the comedy club sees this, and says she can't get him drinks.  He's livid.  "That's clearly me there, and I'm not even driving! Can't you just be cool?"  Now everyone is just looking at him, wondering if he'll ever find any chill.  So, of course he asks me to order drinks for him, to which I say no a few times, but at this point, he's interrupting the show.  I agree, and get him two drink that night, which I'm pretty sure I paid for.  I haven't spoken to the guy since.

So as much as I'd like a new workout partner, I don't need the added weight of douche baggery (see what I did there?) on each set.  It would only be a matter of time before he wanted to order a few ladies protein shakes, home training sessions, and needing a ride because "those squats were killer bro, I can't even drive."

ACL Festival, Day #1 - Videos

Here are some clips of the OutKast performance at ACL. (the photos from my day at the festival can be seen here.)

Andre 3000 - Hey Ya


 
Big Boi - Kryptonite (I'm On It)



OutKast - Ms. Jackson



OutKast - International Player's Anthem

ACL Festival, Day #1 - Pictures

For all my non facebook using friends (Josh) you're welcome!

Here are some of the sights and sounds from Day 1 of the Austin City Limits Music Festival, headlined by my favorite group ever, OUTKAST!

ALL MINE!

People that are always on their phone... that's not a good look!

Why's she take this?  I'll never know.

They were showing the ALDS in a pavillion. so.... we took a break.

So much happening here.

It is I, the B-I-G the B-O-I!

Dre's jumpsuit tonight read "Drake Love Live War".  FLAMES.

Best group since ever.  EVER EVER.

Guest Blog - The Resume Test

The Resume Test

(as a kind of sister post, let's not forget about this gem - An 87 Point Manifesto on what (name redacted) is Looking For in a Man)

Dating can be a strenuous affair, and is an endeavor that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  However, in our attempts to find our optimum partner, there is a tendency to veer towards the lane of the absurd.  We all possess a friend that has a list of needs/desires for their prospective partners longer than the terms of agreements of Xbox Live.  Perfect height, weight, credit score, career, bone structure, educational status, family background, dieting habits, etc.  Of course the defense mechanism is that standards must be met when making such an important decision, and that settling for a partner is akin to short changing your own worth.  Fair enough, so long as people are reasonable in their terms.  Problems arise due to the fact that reason, love & ego form a triangle of discord when it comes to our dating desires.  In an attempt to lead individuals towards the proper path, I tell them to apply to resume test.

The test is simple - think of all the qualities that are important aspects of your life.  It can be physical attributes, job status, education, personality traits, credit score….anything that you feel defines your persona.  Make a mental resume, listing all of these traits.  Now imagine meeting a prospective partner with this resume.  If they approached you, would you give them the time of day?  Would their qualifications fit your needs and desires?  Or would you push them to the “non-qualified/don’t respond” folder in an attempt to find a better prospect.  Think about how you answer that the next time you present your list of demands.  We all want to capture our dream partner, but we have to be realistic in our desires and our ability to to attract and ensnare that premium prospect.  Fellas - there’s nothing wrong with wanting a woman with the physique of a video model, the cooking skills of a house slave, the education of a scholar, and the temperament of your Madden partner.  But you have to bring enough to the table to give that angel a reason to descend from the heavens.  For the lady desiring the Essence model home owner with the multiple degrees, premium credit score, high income career and porn star sexual skills, you have to look in the mirror and determine how you would stand above a sea of competition to snatch Mr. Wonderful.  Not saying its impossible, but it takes a plethora of skill to get a Mercedes Benz with Kia credit - more skill than most individuals possess.  How we present and view ourselves is paramount to what we can accomplish in our lives.  So before you dive in the dating pool, make sure you wear your no fronting life vest.

Guest Blog - ALS, Shooting Black Folks as a Year-Round Sport, and Keeping it 100.

Originally titled 'Hand me my wallet, not the bucket.'

One day I was on Facebook, looking for nonsense to mock, when I noticed a bunch of silly people dumping water on their head.  Apparently one individual wanted to make people aware of ALS aka Lou Gehrig disease, a rare yet fatal illness that affects neurons and ultimately muscle control in the body.  The ice bucket challenge basically allowed people to donate as well as nominate others to donate, while dumping ice water on their head. Beyond the inherent humor of watching grown men and women struggle with dumping water on each other, it became a successful fundraiser, leading to 24 million dollars towards ALS research. But of course since this is the internet, it’s also led to a variety of backlash, some warranted, while others being extremely hypocritical and asinine.  Now, I have many flaws, and I embrace the majority of my flaws, but one thing I tried to avoid is the blanket of hypocrisy.  There are few things that bother me more than intelligent people making stupid proclamations to prove a ridiculous point.  Here’s a few that I’ve noticed over the past week, but instead of just listing, I will explain why I avoided them.

I donated to ALS, but I didn’t dump water on my head, nor call anyone else out.  It wasn’t because of concerns of conservation of water.  I’ve heard people bring up the drought issues in the US and the world, as well as stating that dumping water on your head has nothing to do with charity.  Now, I live in a house with 4 bathrooms.  I wash clothes and run the dishwasher multiple times per week.  I’ve taken showers that lasted longer than 5 minutes.  My sprinkler system runs a total of 2 hours daily.  I wash my car.  I’ve gone to Six Flags.  All of these things use far more water than is probably necessary.  And I lose not one iota of sleep over any of these actions.  So for me to complain about the loss of the equivalent of one toilet flush is moronic.  I have no problem with water conservation, but this isn’t Dune, and I don’t see Sting running around in a rubber suit trying to save water - relax.

I didn’t dump water on my head, but it wasn’t because of what happened in Ferguson.  Wait, what?  Yes - there is a sentiment that the ice bucket challenge is not only a silly endeavor, but a tool used by the media to distract people from the serious occurrences of police brutality towards black males.  Let me put the disclaimer that I’m aware of the media using fluff stories to steer us away from important issues.  Having said that, I have to wonder at the sanity of certain individuals.  For as long as I remember, cops have been shooting at black men.  They were shooting at black men when people were debating gay marriage.  They were shooting at us when Miley Cyrus was twerking.  They shot at us while people were concerned about Gaza and Israel.  When people put the buckets down and start talking about Lebron James on the Cavs, they’ll be shooting at us.  It’s not as if Joe Blow was about to donate some money to the Ferguson fund, and then saw a video of Jennifer Aniston with a platinum bucket and changed his mind.  Those who cared will continue to care, and those who didn’t wouldn’t have given a damn in the first place.  Contrary to popular belief, it’s possible to care about multiple causes at the same time.  The media isn’t distracting me from other issues, so I won’t use that as an excuse.  It’s like any other sport - once you know the rules of the game, you can’t complain about being caught out of bounds.  As a black man, I understand at how devise and combative life can be toward us, and I can also understand the human desire to worry about your own problems.  But as a human being and a health care professional, I couldn’t picture myself clowning a cause that donates to a real disease that actually kills people, just because it doesn’t affect me directly.  If someone chooses not to participate then more power to them.  But leave the cops out of this - if they see me jogging in my neighborhood and my sneakers are the wrong color, they won’t check Bossip or TMZ to see what’s up before they decide to shoot me.  Nor will they see if its Breast Cancer Month before deciding to pull the trigger.

This isn’t to guilt someone into giving money.  Charity is about giving to something you believe in. As a human being, you have the right to give, or not to give, to whatever you choose, as long as you’re willing to deal with the consequences.  I didn’t dump water over my head because I didn’t feel like it.  It wasn’t because of water conservation, or Gaza, or the lack of a sickle cell challenge, or any other reason.  I didn’t choose to donate more because I didn’t feel like it. I made contributions to other causes.  I also purchased two soundbars and some weights for my home gym.  I went to the movies.  I even purchased some mediocre hot wings from KFC.  I have no regrets or remorse whatsoever, because I was honest with my decision.  If you don’t want to participate in the ice water challenge because you don’t care about ALS, then go right ahead.  Maybe you don’t want to get your hair wet.  Maybe you rather spend that money on the Essence Music Festival or the new Madden video game.  Perhaps you rather give in your own way without attracting attention or participating in a silly social media experiment.  The reason doesn’t matter, so long as you’re true to yourself.  But let those who choose to donate do so without mockery or scorn.  Don’t bring in any strawmen or hypocritical scenarios to defend your choice.  No need to front for Facebook - it’s 2014, and we’re better than that.

Now if you excuse me, I’m about to participate in some other silly donation challenge.  And I won’t even need to use a bucket for it. 

The One Writing about the One in Twenty One and One - The South Kongress Summerslam Preview

 (a few things... this card would be better with the Usos on it... and I'm in that bad habit of listing the Champion before the Challenger, so sorry...)

Someone must've made a racially insensitive joke...

Brock Lesnar lives at the intersection of talent and clarity.  Dubbed in the early 2000's as WWE's next big thing, Lesnar was everything Vince McMahon could want - he was large, he was athletic, he looked like he could mess you up... and he really could, if he wanted to.  Former NCAA wrestling champion, his in ring skill would later translate to real fight success.  He deserves credit for not only making the transition to UFC, but putting new eyes on the sport.  Fast forward to 2012. Diverticulitis, or what I refer to as "the chronic bubble-guts", all but forced him out of the Octagon.  But now, he's more than just a former WWE champion - he rightfully holds the distinction as one of the toughest men in the entire world.  So when WWE comes calling, Brock says CUT THE DAMN CHECK, and they oblige.  He works for limited dates at a nice premium, because A) he can and B) he was never really a fan of the constant travel, or backstage politics that are tolerated by most wrestlers.  He made it far enough to be able to set his own rules, and that should be applauded.

WWE, for lack of a better term, is a cult.  The "WWE Universe" is a fancy way of saying "We want you to feel like we're all family, so you buy stuff."  Which is perfectly fine.  But when John Cena, poster boy for the company, was feuding with The Rock, who recently starred in a really cool movie, the crux of everything was that Cena was "always here", would "never leave" and always did what was best for the fans.  I say this as someone who spends his hard earned money (and my lady friend's hard earned money) on a Wrestlemania trip every year - FUCK THE FANS YO.  If your job, where you work, gave you these options -

1) make 100k/yr for working 52 weeks a year

2) make 100k/yr working 26 weeks a year

Which one would you take?  If you say 1, you either hate your family or have no friends.  Why would you work more for the same amount you can earn for working less?  But the WWE wants you to think that John Cena shows up to work every week out of the goodness of his heart.  He may very well love his job, but if they cut his pay in half, I guarantee that smile wouldn't be as wide.  I say more power to anyone that has leverage at their job.  Jobs aren't here to see you do well.  They want YOU to produce FOR THEM, and if you come out the other side better for it, then they're cool with it.  So when John Cena spews that "for the fans" rhetoric, then I see all those cars in his driveway, I pray for the day everyone else comes around.  Now, on to the matches.

Yup... for the love.  ONLY for the love.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins, Lumberjack Match

One of the best scenes from 'Belly' is where Bundy is high out of his mind at dinner with the two young thundercats that came up underneath him.  He challenges them to show who the man really is, which leads to one killing the other.  Morbid, I know.  Well Ambrose and Rollins are the closest things we have to "on the cusp" guys going at it on the big stage, much like these two at Summerslam back in '98.  No doubt the quality of the match will be good, even if some of the buildup has been pretty goofy.  I'll go with Rollins here, and the poor stipulation attached it just set up to backfire.  I would've preferred a cage match... but I always prefer a cage match.  Winner - Seth Rollins

The Miz (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler, Intercontinental Title Match

Miz returned a few weeks back with some of that old dickhead charisma we loved so much.  Dolph is back in the role of hyper athletic babyface that's just SO CLOSE to breaking through.  I expect this to be really fun to watch.  I think Dolph gets the job done, and maybe even gets a shot at the big title in the next few months to... create movement... for the next champion.  Winner - Dolph Ziggler

AJ Lee (champion) vs. Paige, Divas Title Match

I've made no secret that I think the Trish Stratus/ Mickie James Wrestlemania 22 match was one spot away from being a classic, so I'm here for athletic women's wrestling.  I'm beating a dead horse here, but PORN EXISTS, SO I GET NOTHING FROM NON ATHLETIC, SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN WRESTLING POORLY.  But these two can really, really go.  I don't see any reason they can't continue this feud through the end of the year, so I think a very competitive match with the champion retaining will lead to another really good match at Night of Champions.  Winner - AJ Lee

SEE? WRESTLING!!!

Jack Swagger vs. Rusev, Flag Match

I'm not as down on Rusev as others are, and Lana... even though eye candy in the ring doesn't do much for me, mean women in business suits do, so seeing her is always a bonus.  Swagger's turn, I'm ok with it.  I like Rusev's power moves, I like Swagger's offense, this should be ok.  Still don't know if Swagger's the guy to put Rusev in his place though.  Winner - Rusev

Mother. ##@^#*$.  Russia.

Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho keeps on saving us.  He may wrestle, and at a high level, for the rest of forever.  He's Old Manitoba River.  This time around, he's here to help Bray Wyatt along, much in the way Cena did (NO SHADE, NO SHADE, I WON'T THROW IT) a few months back.  With the stipulation being The Wyatt Family is barred from ringside, I still expect Bray to get the job done.  He's poised to be one of the top heels around over the next few years, and soundly beating an institution like Y2J will solidify that spot for him.  I expect a very good match.  Winner - Bray Wyatt

Old reliable.  Old, athletic, entertaining, awesome reliable.

Stephanie McMahon vs. Brie Bella

I've seen 'Scarface' more times than I can count.  Do you want to know the best way to watch 'Scarface'?  cut the movie off right when Tony gets the tiger.  Just stop it there.  You'll have a smile on your face the rest of the day.  Why see it all fall apart if you don't have to?  I wish someone would've given this angle the 'Scarface Lite' treatment a few weeks back.  It devolved into something very TNA-esque, and that really sapped all my interest from it.  Also - Stephanie McMahon is way better than she was a year ago.  I could still go the rest on my life never seeing her on my television and being happier because of it.  As far as match quality, she looks like she's taking her training pretty seriously, at least from an aesthetic standpoint, and both Bella's have come along in their ring progress.  Could be ok.  Winner - eh...

.... AAAAAND CUT!

Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton

Aside from his first title win, or that Wrestlemania where they chose the wrong final match for the show, I think this is the biggest match of Randy Orton's career.  There's no doubt it's the biggest for Roman Reigns.  But as far as Orton goes, I think it's safe to say he's as big as he's ever going to get.  Whether it was the force that is John Cena, whether is was the time he took a shit in that lady's bag, whether it was suspensions, whatever, Randy Orton hopefully will be able to say he made it through wrestling with his health and his money, even if he isn't a household name (and to be fair, he's still one of the biggest names in the last decade). So now he's at that point where it's on him to make the next generation look good, to well, not pass the torch, but to accept he's not running that first corner, or the anchor, on that 4 x1 team.  Roman Reigns has some things really going for him.  One, my girlfriend won't stop looking at the guy.  He's got a great look, a great pedigree, charisma, and the people respond to him.  He may also be a bit overexposed.  His offense doesn't match his athleticism at this point.  His moveset is LJN, not AKI just yet.  Monday, I thought his intonations really took away from the tough image they want him to have.  All that said, I'm along for the ride with this guy.  Hopefully, a talent like Orton can use this opportunity to help him get to that next level.  I'm hoping we get a very physical, hard fought, CLOSE match up.  Winner - Roman Reigns

Fae's about to start swooning right now, and she O.E.N.O it.

John Cena (champion) vs. Brock Lesnar - WWE World Heavyweight Title Match

Just because John Cena is the Cornball Gawd doesn't mean I don't enjoy his matches.  He's a talent, he's a master at pacing, he gets the most out of his opponents.  He voluntarily took the ass whooping of a lifetime at Extreme Rules 2012.  That took guts.  I don't expect this to be the same beatdown, and I don't expect the same results.  Brock is coming in with his 'Here Comes the Pain' physique or ratings, but I fully expect him to pull out a few old tricks in the vein of suplexes and holds he hasn't really used since his return.  Cena will probably get to toss Brock around some as well.  This won't be that Summerslam '02 when a young Brock sent a seasoned Rock packing I don't think. But I do expect Cena to be a bloody mess, for Lesnar to win the title, and for Paul Heyman to talk the hottest shit this side of a Damon Dash YouTube video.  Also, I'm gonna troll you Josh.  You know who you are.  Get ready to be trolled!!!! TROLLED!!!!!!!!!! Winner - Brock Lesnar

 

 

 

I expect this, but for the low price of $9.99!

 

 

 

  WWE Summerslam is this Sunday at 8pm ET. on the WWE Network.