Let me start by saying I know my father, and I speak to him on a pretty consistent basis. With that being said, it took me a long time to understand that for one reason or another he was not in my life like he could have been. To make this less about me and more about a lifestyle, my parents divorced at an early age because of my father’s lack of drive. He was intelligent and charming, almost to a fault. He never followed through with plans or aspirations, which is why all of his brothers and sisters are engineers and government officials, and he well, isn’t.
We moved away at an early age, so seeing my father wasn’t something that happened often. The problem was that when I did come around, there would always be another obligation he had, whether it was working this job or that job. Isn’t that what vacation times for? But I digress. The hardest thing about growing up without a father is watching the strain it puts on everyone else. My paternal grandparents and my mother did everything they could to make up for his absence, almost to a fault. My stepfather and I didn’t get along till, well, I graduated college, and when I finally asked him what our problem was, he explained that he thought it was affront to him that he had to go through so many channels to communicate with me, and that the relationship I had with my fathers side of the family made me coddled and pampered. Well, that’s bullshit, but again, let’s focus.
In most situations where a father is absent, as it was in mine, mothers have to assume the role of mother and father, usually to strange results. Women can try their damndest, but it does take a man to raise a man properly. There are things that women don’t understand about how we work, and without that knowledge we cannot be complete. I’ve got the war wounds to prove it. The biggest problem this creates is how we respond to other women. There is a certain amount of control we all need, and when those boundaries are tested by the opposite sex, those of us who never had that man around to temper our behavior don't respond well. To paraphrase the modern classic “Fight Club”, “we’re men raised by a generation of women. Why would we want to grow up to repeat that cycle?” (NHJIC). When fathers are absent, it leads to the same situation repeating over and over. I mean, we all think we turned out ok, right?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Growing up fatherless
Let me start by saying I know my father, and I speak to him on a pretty consistent basis. With that being said, it took me a long time to understand that for one reason or another he was not in my life like he could have been. To make this less about me and more about a lifestyle, my parents divorced at an early age because of my father’s lack of drive. He was intelligent and charming, almost to a fault. He never followed through with plans or aspirations, which is why all of his brothers and sisters are engineers and government officials, and he well, isn’t.
We moved away at an early age, so seeing my father wasn’t something that happened often. The problem was that when I did come around, there would always be another obligation he had, whether it was working this job or that job. Isn’t that what vacation times for? But I digress. The hardest thing about growing up without a father is watching the strain it puts on everyone else. My paternal grandparents and my mother did everything they could to make up for his absence, almost to a fault. My stepfather and I didn’t get along till, well, I graduated college, and when I finally asked him what our problem was, he explained that he thought it was affront to him that he had to go through so many channels to communicate with me, and that the relationship I had with my fathers side of the family made me coddled and pampered. Well, that’s bullshit, but again, let’s focus.
In most situations where a father is absent, as it was in mine, mothers have to assume the role of mother and father, usually to strange results. Women can try their damndest, but it does take a man to raise a man properly. There are things that women don’t understand about how we work, and without that knowledge we cannot be complete. I’ve got the war wounds to prove it. The biggest problem this creates is how we respond to other women. There is a certain amount of control we all need, and when those boundaries are tested by the opposite sex, those of us who never had that man around to temper our behavior don't respond well. To paraphrase the modern classic “Fight Club”, “we’re men raised by a generation of women. Why would we want to grow up to repeat that cycle?” (NHJIC). When fathers are absent, it leads to the same situation repeating over and over. I mean, we all think we turned out ok, right?
We moved away at an early age, so seeing my father wasn’t something that happened often. The problem was that when I did come around, there would always be another obligation he had, whether it was working this job or that job. Isn’t that what vacation times for? But I digress. The hardest thing about growing up without a father is watching the strain it puts on everyone else. My paternal grandparents and my mother did everything they could to make up for his absence, almost to a fault. My stepfather and I didn’t get along till, well, I graduated college, and when I finally asked him what our problem was, he explained that he thought it was affront to him that he had to go through so many channels to communicate with me, and that the relationship I had with my fathers side of the family made me coddled and pampered. Well, that’s bullshit, but again, let’s focus.
In most situations where a father is absent, as it was in mine, mothers have to assume the role of mother and father, usually to strange results. Women can try their damndest, but it does take a man to raise a man properly. There are things that women don’t understand about how we work, and without that knowledge we cannot be complete. I’ve got the war wounds to prove it. The biggest problem this creates is how we respond to other women. There is a certain amount of control we all need, and when those boundaries are tested by the opposite sex, those of us who never had that man around to temper our behavior don't respond well. To paraphrase the modern classic “Fight Club”, “we’re men raised by a generation of women. Why would we want to grow up to repeat that cycle?” (NHJIC). When fathers are absent, it leads to the same situation repeating over and over. I mean, we all think we turned out ok, right?
Internet Dating... huh?
Without being vulgar, everything we do is influenced by our desire to be with others, i.e. sex (or whatever it is were calling it this week. Beating cakes anyone?). The way we dress, the things we say, the very way we move, is meant to draw others toward us. Why would our presence on the internets be any different? Since it’s inception into the mainstream, the internet has been heavy on personal communication. Which of us in the web 2.0 era can say we’ve never been in an AOL chat room? In 2011, online dating will become a near 1 billion dollar a year business, because of its ability to simplify the awkwardness of dating. The idea of someone paying to meet people is well, no different from what the majority of us do week in and week out. When you go to a bar, a club, a restaurant or any gathering place, you are in essence paying to meet people. You are just more willing to deal with direct rejection, whether you are the victim or assailant.
Internet dating is pretty basic. You build a profile, stating your sex, age range, location and interests. You let other people on the service you use know what you’re into, and they do the same. If your information matches up with someone, you begin to talk privately, in hopes of building something over time. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Like dating out here in the real world, you can have all the things in common with a person, but not be attracted to them. The difference here is that you all are both looking, and presenting interest beforehand. There’s a big difference in meeting someone over the internet at 3 in the afternoon on a Sunday and meeting someone when you pissy drunk on a Friday night. Trust me, I've been there. The key difference is that rejection over the internet is both more humiliating and easier to accept at the same time.
Let’s say you find someone whose online profile matches your own. You talk, laugh, share stories and really hit it off. Then they realize the first four pictures in your profile were oh, thirty pounds ago, and they’re no longer interested. You put yourself out there, and you were shot down. It sucks. More than likely However, there are likely more people you have things in common with than the one you clicked with, and you aren’t dealing with someone you have to see on a regular basis, so getting over it is less of a task.
Where internet dating reaches its apex of strangeness is on web 2.0’s social networking sites. I remember watching the MySpace Exodus of 2009, thinking, “did so many lames hit on girls that they all up and left?” But in many ways, when internet dating isn’t restricted, or at least given some structure, the awkwardness reaches a new level. In an open world that doesn’t require a monthly fee, strange messages and “friend requests” from people you never met are the norm. This coupled with fake profiles and spam accounts do nothing but frustrate those expecting to meet real people, thus making them less socially integrated and created even more strange situations.
Online dating works for some, those us of too busy to leave relationships to much chance, and those of us more specific about what we want. The issue is that it eliminates the flair, and the intrigue from going out into the world and proving one’s self, showing that we can excel where others have failed. If I had to choose between going out and meeting people, or staying in and doing the same, I would almost always choose the latter, if for no other reason than the sense of satisfaction it brings. To those in the know, the internet (dating) is for geeks anyway. And who wants that label on top of being anti-social and creepy?
Internet dating is pretty basic. You build a profile, stating your sex, age range, location and interests. You let other people on the service you use know what you’re into, and they do the same. If your information matches up with someone, you begin to talk privately, in hopes of building something over time. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Like dating out here in the real world, you can have all the things in common with a person, but not be attracted to them. The difference here is that you all are both looking, and presenting interest beforehand. There’s a big difference in meeting someone over the internet at 3 in the afternoon on a Sunday and meeting someone when you pissy drunk on a Friday night. Trust me, I've been there. The key difference is that rejection over the internet is both more humiliating and easier to accept at the same time.
Let’s say you find someone whose online profile matches your own. You talk, laugh, share stories and really hit it off. Then they realize the first four pictures in your profile were oh, thirty pounds ago, and they’re no longer interested. You put yourself out there, and you were shot down. It sucks. More than likely However, there are likely more people you have things in common with than the one you clicked with, and you aren’t dealing with someone you have to see on a regular basis, so getting over it is less of a task.
Where internet dating reaches its apex of strangeness is on web 2.0’s social networking sites. I remember watching the MySpace Exodus of 2009, thinking, “did so many lames hit on girls that they all up and left?” But in many ways, when internet dating isn’t restricted, or at least given some structure, the awkwardness reaches a new level. In an open world that doesn’t require a monthly fee, strange messages and “friend requests” from people you never met are the norm. This coupled with fake profiles and spam accounts do nothing but frustrate those expecting to meet real people, thus making them less socially integrated and created even more strange situations.
Online dating works for some, those us of too busy to leave relationships to much chance, and those of us more specific about what we want. The issue is that it eliminates the flair, and the intrigue from going out into the world and proving one’s self, showing that we can excel where others have failed. If I had to choose between going out and meeting people, or staying in and doing the same, I would almost always choose the latter, if for no other reason than the sense of satisfaction it brings. To those in the know, the internet (dating) is for geeks anyway. And who wants that label on top of being anti-social and creepy?
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