South Kongress: October 2014

You don't wanna be this guy. But it's ok to be this guy.

Recently, I came across a Facebook post inquiring about a workout partner. These are actually pretty commonplace. What jumped out to me was that they were looking for a partner at the gym i frequent. This guy inquiring is about my age, and build. We share very similar interests. No brainer, right? Well it would be, except for one thing: he's a total jackass. Now, in all fairness, it's been a bit over a year since I've seen the guy, so maybe some things have changed. But I find that if you have to ask, you already know the answer in situations like this.

I met this guy, let's call him Ace (because Ace sounds like a name a guy like this would give himself). Ace is about 26-27, and I met him through a lady friend of mine I go to happy hour with. One weekend she has a BBQ at her place, and I make my way out there. I know a few of the people there. We talk, drink, generally have a good time. So a few of the guys want to get together and play volleyball. At this point, I'm full, a bit tipsy, and around 30lbs heavier than I am today, so I wasn't what you'd call fit. Ace and I agree to be partners, and we get SLAUGHTERED in this volleyball game. And the next game. And the next. (In retrospect, maybe the guy just hated me because I stunk the court up.) But everyone seems to have had a pretty good time.

We meet up again about a week later for happy hour, and before we all get there, my lady friend lets me know Ace will need a ride home, and since I live pretty close to where he's staying, I have no problem with it. Ace shows up to happy hour DRUNK. It's like 6pm on a Friday, and he's already outta there. Now, as someone who was a bit wild when I was younger, I've been this guy. But never so early, and never around strangers. So it's myself, lady friend, Ace and two of our guy friends. Ace takes it upon himself to order everyone drinks, and keeps insisting "this round is on me." Everyone is so put off by his abrasiveness, his volume, and his inability to construct a sentence, we all tell him "we're cool man, we'll get our own." Won't take 'no' for an answer. Refuses. So the waitress comes over, and he tries to buy us all some drink we've never heard of. Not 'it sounds super fancy' never heard of, more like 'them shits don't mix' never heard of. She recognizes that he probably shouldn't be ordering drinks, so she gives us that look. The universal look waitresses give when they want you to tame your drunk ass friend. To boot, we all just kind of drank in silence, so as not to get him any more excited, kind of how you don't laugh at a toddler when they use curse words.

Now it's time to take Ace home. We went to a bar close to everyone else. Everyone else is 45 minutes away. So we were going to get fairly familiar with one another along the way. He starts talking to me about his clothing company, which actually seemed pretty cool. He'd recently visited Oklahoma after the tornadoes ripped through there (to date the experience) and was offering hand to hand help, assisting in rebuilding efforts, all of that. Real stand up work. Showed pictures. I didn't need to see the pictures. The clothing line was faith based, but he wanted to make it clear that it wasn't some kind of corny deal. His words. Without totally bastardizing his message, I'd bet that somewhere along the line, he said "if your gonna say 'motherfucker', then say 'motherfucker' for Christ!" It was something to that effect. If he ever sees this, he can correct me. Then the questions start rolling in. At this point, Ace's seat is in a reclined position.

"How long have you had this car?"

"How often do you wash it?"

"When are you gonna stop and get gas?"

"Why does the engine sound like that?"

For 45 minutes. We finally get close to our part of town, and he sits up to ask "hey, can you take me by the weed spot?"

At this point, I'm dead tired, and completely sober, but I'm fully aware this isn't a person I'm ever going to do anything for ever again. Or so I think. He goes in, comes out, and thanks me repeatedly. As I'm driving, he pulls out some cash, and sticks it in my middle console. He tells me it's $20. Because he says it was $20, I'm almost sure it's not. Because when you say how much you're giving someone, not asking if it's enough, but SAYING what it is, it's probably a lie. We finally get to his friend's place, he says thanks, and disappears into the doorway. There were $6 in my middle console.

The last time I saw Ace was, again, at happy hour. This time, we were meeting up before a comedy show a friend scored tickets to. There were 7-8 of us, and we got there after work, about an hour before the show. This time, in an effort to make up for our last meeting, Ace wanted to buy rounds. I was to the point I didn't want to owe this guy anything, so I declined. He was getting pretty friendly with a waitress there, to the point that they'd actually stayed with each other a few nights. Somehow, he spots his ex girlfriend at the bar, announces it to the entire table, and proceeds to flirt/ play with the waitress every time she came around, while making eye contact with his ex. At this point, the few there that hadn't met him were understanding my disdain.

So we get to the comedy club. Like most places, there's a two drink minimum. So we all order drinks, except for Ace, because naturally, his license had expired. Chances are it was expired months ago, and that's why I had to give the guy a ride in the first place. The waitress at the comedy club sees this, and says she can't get him drinks. He's livid. "That's clearly me there, and I'm not even driving! Can't you just be cool?" Now everyone is just looking at him, wondering if he'll ever find any chill. So, of course he asks me to order drinks for him, to which I say no a few times, but at this point, he's interrupting the show. I agree, and get him two drink that night, which I'm pretty sure I paid for. I haven't spoken to the guy since.

So as much as I'd like a new workout partner, I don't need the added weight of douche baggery (see what I did there?) on each set. It would only be a matter of time before he wanted to order a few ladies protein shakes, home training sessions, and needing a ride because "those squats were killer bro, I can't even drive."