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| Someone must've made a racially insensitive joke... |
WWE, for lack of a better term, is a cult. The "WWE Universe" is a fancy way of saying "We want you to feel like we're all family, so you buy stuff." Which is perfectly fine. But when John Cena, poster boy for the company, was feuding with The Rock, who recently starred in a really cool movie, the crux of everything was that Cena was "always here", would "never leave" and always did what was best for the fans. I say this as someone who spends his hard earned money (and my lady friend's hard earned money) on a Wrestlemania trip every year - FUCK THE FANS YO. If your job, where you work, gave you these options -
1) make 100k/yr for working 52 weeks a year
2) make 100k/yr working 26 weeks a year
Which one would you take? If you say 1, you either hate your family or have no friends. Why would you work more for the same amount you can earn for working less? But the WWE wants you to think that John Cena shows up to work every week out of the goodness of his heart. He may very well love his job, but if they cut his pay in half, I guarantee that smile wouldn't be as wide. I say more power to anyone that has leverage at their job. Jobs aren't here to see you do well. They want YOU to produce FOR THEM, and if you come out the other side better for it, then they're cool with it. So when John Cena spews that "for the fans" rhetoric, then I see all those cars in his driveway, I pray for the day everyone else comes around. Now, on to the matches.
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| Yup... for the love. ONLY for the love. |
One of the best scenes from 'Belly' is where Bundy is high out of his mind at dinner with the two young thundercats that came up underneath him. He challenges them to show who the man really is, which leads to one killing the other. Morbid, I know. Well Ambrose and Rollins are the closest things we have to "on the cusp" guys going at it on the big stage, much like these two at Summerslam back in '98. No doubt the quality of the match will be good, even if some of the buildup has been pretty goofy. I'll go with Rollins here, and the poor stipulation attached it just set up to backfire. I would've preferred a cage match... but I always prefer a cage match. Winner - Seth Rollins
The Miz (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler, Intercontinental Title Match
Miz returned a few weeks back with some of that old dickhead charisma we loved so much. Dolph is back in the role of hyper athletic babyface that's just SO CLOSE to breaking through. I expect this to be really fun to watch. I think Dolph gets the job done, and maybe even gets a shot at the big title in the next few months to... create movement... for the next champion. Winner - Dolph Ziggler
AJ Lee (champion) vs. Paige, Divas Title Match
I've made no secret that I think the Trish Stratus/ Mickie James Wrestlemania 22 match was one spot away from being a classic, so I'm here for athletic women's wrestling. I'm beating a dead horse here, but PORN EXISTS, SO I GET NOTHING FROM NON ATHLETIC, SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN WRESTLING POORLY. But these two can really, really go. I don't see any reason they can't continue this feud through the end of the year, so I think a very competitive match with the champion retaining will lead to another really good match at Night of Champions. Winner - AJ Lee
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| SEE? WRESTLING!!! |
I'm not as down on Rusev as others are, and Lana... even though eye candy in the ring doesn't do much for me, mean women in business suits do, so seeing her is always a bonus. Swagger's turn, I'm ok with it. I like Rusev's power moves, I like Swagger's offense, this should be ok. Still don't know if Swagger's the guy to put Rusev in his place though. Winner - Rusev
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| Mother. ##@^#*$. Russia. |
Jericho keeps on saving us. He may wrestle, and at a high level, for the rest of forever. He's Old Manitoba River. This time around, he's here to help Bray Wyatt along, much in the way Cena did (NO SHADE, NO SHADE, I WON'T THROW IT) a few months back. With the stipulation being The Wyatt Family is barred from ringside, I still expect Bray to get the job done. He's poised to be one of the top heels around over the next few years, and soundly beating an institution like Y2J will solidify that spot for him. I expect a very good match. Winner - Bray Wyatt
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| Old reliable. Old, athletic, entertaining, awesome reliable. |
I've seen 'Scarface' more times than I can count. Do you want to know the best way to watch 'Scarface'? cut the movie off right when Tony gets the tiger. Just stop it there. You'll have a smile on your face the rest of the day. Why see it all fall apart if you don't have to? I wish someone would've given this angle the 'Scarface Lite' treatment a few weeks back. It devolved into something very TNA-esque, and that really sapped all my interest from it. Also - Stephanie McMahon is way better than she was a year ago. I could still go the rest on my life never seeing her on my television and being happier because of it. As far as match quality, she looks like she's taking her training pretty seriously, at least from an aesthetic standpoint, and both Bella's have come along in their ring progress. Could be ok. Winner - eh...
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| .... AAAAAND CUT! |
Aside from his first title win, or that Wrestlemania where they chose the wrong final match for the show, I think this is the biggest match of Randy Orton's career. There's no doubt it's the biggest for Roman Reigns. But as far as Orton goes, I think it's safe to say he's as big as he's ever going to get. Whether it was the force that is John Cena, whether is was the time he took a shit in that lady's bag, whether it was suspensions, whatever, Randy Orton hopefully will be able to say he made it through wrestling with his health and his money, even if he isn't a household name (and to be fair, he's still one of the biggest names in the last decade). So now he's at that point where it's on him to make the next generation look good, to well, not pass the torch, but to accept he's not running that first corner, or the anchor, on that 4 x1 team. Roman Reigns has some things really going for him. One, my girlfriend won't stop looking at the guy. He's got a great look, a great pedigree, charisma, and the people respond to him. He may also be a bit overexposed. His offense doesn't match his athleticism at this point. His moveset is LJN, not AKI just yet. Monday, I thought his intonations really took away from the tough image they want him to have. All that said, I'm along for the ride with this guy. Hopefully, a talent like Orton can use this opportunity to help him get to that next level. I'm hoping we get a very physical, hard fought, CLOSE match up. Winner - Roman Reigns
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| Fae's about to start swooning right now, and she O.E.N.O it. |
Just because John Cena is the Cornball Gawd doesn't mean I don't enjoy his matches. He's a talent, he's a master at pacing, he gets the most out of his opponents. He voluntarily took the ass whooping of a lifetime at Extreme Rules 2012. That took guts. I don't expect this to be the same beatdown, and I don't expect the same results. Brock is coming in with his 'Here Comes the Pain' physique or ratings, but I fully expect him to pull out a few old tricks in the vein of suplexes and holds he hasn't really used since his return. Cena will probably get to toss Brock around some as well. This won't be that Summerslam '02 when a young Brock sent a seasoned Rock packing I don't think. But I do expect Cena to be a bloody mess, for Lesnar to win the title, and for Paul Heyman to talk the hottest shit this side of a Damon Dash YouTube video. Also, I'm gonna troll you Josh. You know who you are. Get ready to be trolled!!!! TROLLED!!!!!!!!!! Winner - Brock Lesnar
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| I expect this, but for the low price of $9.99! |
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